Wrestlemania, It's Over

The wrestling fan has lost. For now. Is there any other company, who deliberately and intentionally killed off their own fanbase? Has this ever happened before? Has any company ever said, all of the people who support our product, we actually want them all to go to hell and we want to appeal to this group of people instead? Has this happened before? Yes. The WWE actually did this once before in 1984. They had wrestlers going to war with each other, putting on technical wrestling and garbage wrestling bloodbaths. Then, Hogan showed up and suddenly it was all about the kids. We all watched Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage while growing up. Then we got older, but so did the WWE.

Then we had Shawn Michaels telling people to suck it and Steve Austin giving people the finger. WWE grew up with us. And now, instead of progressing even further forward, they did a complete 180, took out the entire wrestling aspect of it and replaced it with children's entertainment. Back to the beginning... Now we've gotta wait for Cena's children-fanbase to grow up and start hating their parents. Only then will we get the Cena heel turn and a return to prominence, but by then we'll all be 40. Awesome.

The WWE then keeps sprinkling in reminders of better times by throwing Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels.. or more recently Undertaker vs HHH at us. With Steve Austin and Rock, both long since retired getting to appear on screen every now and then.. But otherwise, there's no reason for any of us to watch anymore. This is now just bullshit for the kids. With an occasial character thrown in like CM Punk, who actually represents the adults trying to tell the kids what to do and how to live their lives. Or Jericho talking down on everyone else in the company like they're a piece of shit. (It's no secret that those two characters were everyone's favorite over the past couple years, but God forbid they step on the toes of the kids' favorite characters)

Shawn and HHH, two of the last guys left from better times, were reduced to being goofy kids, not parent-hating degenerates, but goofy kids. Cena? He's obviously a kid. Miz? I don't even know what he is. At Wrestlemania, we scored a win with The Rock costing Cena the belt. But so what? Rock's going to be gone in a few weeks, and even if we get the Rock vs Cena dream match at Summerslam or so, Cena will win because Rock is a true pro. (Austin sure as hell wouldn't do it, and I don't blame him).

So anyways, Wrestlemania. Let's look at it from a standpoint of the real fan who has been shunned by the WWE.

Match 1: World Title, Edge vs Del Rio

Ok, this on paper was the weakest championship match in Wrestlemania history. Del Rio is too new. Way too new to be the Rumble winner and thrown into a main event. And they realized this, probably the day of the show. Hence, here he is in the opening match, and he LOSES to Edge. This is absolultely a case of "our bad" on the WWE's part. Edge wins in 10 minutes, fairly clean. Match is **1/2 at most.

Match 2: Rey Mysterio vs Cody Rhodes

They get about 10 minutes and Rhodes wins after some shenanigans with a face mask and a knee brace. Whatever. Match is **1/2 at most.

Snoop Dogg showed up for a retarded segment which ended up with Hornswaggle singing as a punch line. This felt like it took up 10 minutes of the show. It was the dumbest segment I've seen at Wrestlemania. Normally they knock these out of the park. (Rock calling Hurricane the Hamburgler?)

Match 3: 8 man tag, Wade Barrett and three guys against Kane, Big Show, and two other guys

Match was literally one minute long. I forgot who got the pin, but Big Show's team won. No match rating.

Match 4: CM Punk vs Randy Orton

This was better than it should have been. CM Punk is awesome and one of only a couple reasons left to watch this piece of shit product. Orton still sucks. Ten years later, Orton hasn't learned a damn thing, still wrestles the same shitty match. Punk carries Orton to his best match since... I don't know, I'm sure one of the Cena matches was better than this but I don't remember them. *** for the match. They got about 15 minutes.

Rock and Mae Young have an encounter. I really think she has video proof that she and Vince McMahon boned. Why else is she still around on TV? Then Rock and Steve Austin had an encounter which made me think they would fight before the night was over. Man, was I wrong there.

Match 5: Jerry Lawler vs Michael Cole

This match got about 15 minutes also. It was awful, but not as bad as Bret-Vince from last year. This match also felt like it was an hour long. In my mind I watched Flair vs Steamboat from Wrestle War 89 twice in the amount of time I watched Cole - Lawler. Lawler wins with the ankle lock?? Not a pile driver? Come on! Come on!!!! REALLY!??! No rating, match blew, wasn't entertaining in any way. Then the GM reverses the decision cause Austin shoved Cole. Whatever. Then Booker T got a stunner.

Match 6: Undertaker vs HHH

Awesome match, but it won't hold up watching it a second time. Watching it again it will be boring as shit. But live, oh man. I was actually worried HHH had him. When HHH gave him that tombstone, I thought that could've been it for Taker. I still don't like that submission move Taker uses, it's like a retarded version of the real thing from UFC, but whatever. He's trying. At age 59, the Undertaker is still a better wrestler/performer than any of these new guys. So is HHH. Live, this gets about ****1/2. Watching it again, I fear it will get about **. That's the big difference between this match and the HBK - Taker matches. Those were entertaining as hell and action packed. This one was all drama/storyline. They went about 30 minutes and HHH beat the shit out of Taker, and then was outsmarted for the finish by the guy who can't be beaten. It was awesome.

Undertaker is a paradox. He debuted in the WWE at age 26. He won his first Wrestlemania at age 27. He beat HHH at WM17 at age 37. He beat him again at WM 27 at age 47. From age 26 through about 45, Undertaker..to put it simply..sucked. He sucked. He didn't do a damn thing in the ring except look intimidating. And now, at the time when every other wrestler starts losing their shit and unable to go anymore, he's getting better. He's now having the matches that will define him. He now having the matches we'll remember forever. Where the hell has he been for the past 20 years?!

Anyways.. Match 7: Snooki, Trish, and Morrison vs Taker's Wife, Someone else, and Dolph Ziggler

Dolph Ziggler - another example: They took the least talented member of the god awful "Spirit Squad" and brought him back full time. "Johnny" of the spirit squad was a Daniel Bryan-like indie wrestler "Johnny Jeter" who would be able to wrestle circles around any of the other guys in that group. Nevermind. Snooki pins one of the other girls in the match for the win. They got 5 minutes. That's 4 minutes longer than the 8 man tag got, which actually featured some wrestlers. Either * or no rating. Not sure. It sucked.

Match 8: US Title, Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus

Oh wait, this didn't happen. This didn't happen so we could have a Snoop Dogg/Hornswaggle skit, a 15 minute match featuring announcers, and a 5 minute Snooki match. FUCK YOU, WWE. Entire show's overall rating deducted one star for cutting a "Wrestling Match"

Match 9: WWE Title, John Cena vs Miz

This is the second weakest championship match in WWE history. After a slow start, things picked up a little, then just as they got going, sports entertainment took over. Rock gives Cena a Rock Bottom and Miz gets the pin. Match was about 15 minutes. The entrances were actually longer. Match gets *1/2. Rock then beats everyone up to end the show.

How they didn't either go with Cena vs Rock one on one, or Cena vs Miz vs Rock as a three way is just beyond me. But whatever, it's for the kids now.

The average match rating for this show is 14 (match totals) - 1 (danielson vs sheamus) = 13 / 9 matches = ~1.444 (less than *1/2 overall for the show. That's fucking awful.)

Now, for fun, based on memory, let me go back to WM9 and WM13. Those, off hand are the worst ones I can think of. WM1 was also really terrible, but that one gets a pass because it was such a success that we still have WM to this day.

WM9:
Tatanka vs Shawn ***
Steiners vs Samoans *
Doink vs Crush *
Razor vs Backlund *
Hogan/Beefcake vs Money Inc **
Luger vs Perfect **1/2
Bret vs Yoko **
Taker vs Gonzales *
Hogan vs Yoko NR

1.5!!!~!

WM13:
Four Way Tag *1/2
Rocky vs Fatu *1/2
HHH vs Goldust **
Owen/Bulldog vs Vader/Mankind (??) *1/2
Bret vs Austin (one of the best matches ever. EVER.) *****
LOD vs Nation Street Fight (actually a pretty wild ECW type brawl) ***1/2
Taker vs Sid *

2.2!!!

So, based on my memory, it's official. Wrestlemania 27 is actually the worst Wrestlemania of all time. And I do believe time will show us this. Wrestlemania 9 was pretty bad, but it was at least memorable. Wrestlemania 13 was bad, but it had one of the best matches of all time. We're not going to remember this Wrestlemania in three years. It had nothing. It had a solid HHH vs Undertaker match, but other than that, it had NOTHING. The only way it's memorable is if this turned out to be Taker's final match but I don't think that's the case.

It was a piece of shit, utter crap, BUT, I bet the kids loved it and cant wait to see Cena get revenge on The Rock.

Draft Orders

Just as an FYI, here are the projected draft orders for the Browns and Cavs this year.

Browns
Round Pick
1 6
2 5
3 6
4 5
5 6
6 3
6 5

Cavs
Round Pick
1 1 (*depends on lottery, but right now they have the best chance at #1)
1 8 (*depends on where Clippers finish)
2 1 (*will match first round pick)
2 24 (*depends where OKC finishes)

FIXING THE NBA

I'm reading reports that The Lakers are talking with The Nuggets to pull off a trade to bring Melo to Los Angeles. Ok, yes - players should be able to go where ever they want when their contract is up. But at the same time, just cut the league down to four teams and get it over with.

Miami Heat:

(Starters)
John Wall
Dwyane Wade
LeBron James
Chris Bosh
Dwight Howard

(Bench)
Deron Williams
Evan Turner
Andre Iguodala
Danny Granger


Boston Celtics:

(Starters)
Rajon Rondo
Vince Carter
Gerald Wallace
Kevin Garnett
Shaq

(Bench)
Tyreke Evans
Stephen Jackson
Amare' Stoudemire
Anderson Varejao

Chicago Bulls:

(Starters)
Derrick Rose
Kevin Durant
Rudy Gay
Kevin Love
Tim Duncan

(Bench)
Jason Kidd
OJ Mayo
Antawn Jamison
JJ Hickson

Los Angeles Lakers:

(Starters)
Chris Paul
Kobe Bryant
Carmelo Anthony
Blake Griffin
Yao Ming

(Bench)
Steve Nash
Dirk Nowitzki
Pau Gasol

Just do this and get it over with, assholes.

Green Bay Wins...So does Cleveland

Green Bay's victory last night in Super Bowl XLV was a great win for Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. But it was also a win for Cleveland; and not just because the Steelers lost.

Green Bay showed us that Holmgren's version of the west coast offense CAN beat the Steelers!

Watching that game should have given all Browns fans hope that a short quick passing game and strategic runs can prove successful. Now, granted, you need a very good quarterback. And we still don't know if Colt McCoy will be good enough to win, but it was so nice to see our new offensive strategy work in the biggest game of the year.

And really, it worked two years in a row. New Orleans runs a west coast offense too.

Now that we (Browns fans) can all breath easy knowing that we won't have to endure the SI sports package for Steelers fans being shown on ESPN every 5 seconds; we can focus on next year and getting some pieces in place for the Browns to start beating the AFC North with a west coast offense.

Yesterday was a great day!!

State of the WWE

I am a huge wrestling fan who hates the current product. And it's not getting any better. Nothing they can do will make it as good as it once was and they keep trying. While it's pointless to complain without offering up solutions, I will attempt to do just that. The current fad, which I hope sticks around permanently (becoming, not a fad) is Ultimate Fighting. The simple concept of two guys who want to fight to see who is the better man. The fights are announced months in advance, and the two fighters get ample time to talk about the other fighter, what they want to do to the other fighter, and after they win, who's next? Then after months of buildup, the fight happens, and it nets ZUFFA and the UFC a bundle of money.

The WWE on the other hand, announces matches about a week or two in advance, usually revolving around a "take over the wwe" angle, and then the same guys win each month. Or, they decide who the next "star" will be and force that person into main event matches, where they fail horrendously, and then go back to the big stars. Problem is, their "big stars" are only there because there was no one else at the time. Are you telling me Rico, Umaga, Rosey, Chuck Palumbo, or any other of those guys would've been a better choice than John Cena? No. Not at all. (Brock Lesnar was their first choice, and was a perfect choice, but he didn't really have the desire to be a pro-wrestler. He really wanted to hurt people.) Then they had Batista as their second best choice, and Orton as their third. And they had to keep them around because there was no one else for Undertaker and HHH to beat every week.

One of the main problems with the WWE is "Parity". Wrestler A wins one week, then Wrestler B wins the next week. They keep everything level among the talent, EXCEPT in the case of John Cena and Randy Orton. I bet if we go back in the record books (which I'm not going to do) this is actually the case for the late 90's (with Austin and Rock being the exceptions) and the 80's (with Hogan and Savage being the exceptions). Maybe the WWE is too worried about feelings or something and it's just understood that Cena and Orton are "the stars" and can win at will. And guys like CM Punk and Daniel Bryan, if they win then next week they have to lose to even it out. This accomplishes nothing from a storyline standpoint.

Here's a WWE Breakdown:

"Superstars" that Have Been Around Forever and Still Going: HHH, Edge (World Champion), Big Show, Kane, Rey Mysterio, Undertaker (Semi-Retired)

New "Superstars" that Have Been Around Recently and Regularly Main Event: John Cena, Randy Orton, Batista (Retired).

Brand New "Superstars" that are being Shoved Down Peoples' Throats, Yet Have No Real Reason to be: Miz (World Champion), Kofi Kingston, Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntyre.

"Superstars" that Actually Show Promise: Alberto Del Rio (Won Royal Rumble), Jack Swagger (Goofy Amateur Wrestler Gimmick), Daniel Bryan (Ladies' Man Gimmick), CM Punk (Excellent Leader Gimmick), Evan Bourne (High Flier with Nothing to do), John Morrison (Rockstar Gimmick).

And Everyone else is just kinda...there. They're all the same wrestler, just each with a slightly dumber character than the previous.

The way wrestling works is..there's ONE or TWO GUYS who draw. Everyone else is there to help out. And then when things go south for the main draw, they start mixing it up until they find the next main draw. In the late 90s, it was Steve Austin. The problem was, no one ever took the torch from him. Austin never lost to anybody. Austin never had that big match with John Cena where he put him over clean in a Wrestlemania Main Event. The closest we got to this was The Rock putting over Brock Lesnar 100% clean in the main event of a Summerslam for the WWE Championship. But Brock's heart wasn't in pro-wrestling and he bailed. And again, Steve Austin didn't put ANYONE over on his way out. His final match was a loss to The Rock. Which, my God, did "Parity" have something to do with that?

HHH then took the reigns for a while because there was nobody else. And he stuck around still to this day, but is now semi-retired. Cena and Orton took the top spots but never really did anything to justify it. They were simply the best of what was available. Then Batista managed to get over on his own, so they naturally turned him into an Ultimate Warrior clone and nobody cared anymore.

Shawn Michaels returned for the early 2000s, Chris Jericho stuck around for a while, Chris Benoit killed his whole family and then himself because he was regulated to ECW while the worthless Bobby Lashley and Mark Henry got Main Events, Kurt Angle took off with the fans but practically crippled himself in the process. But none of these guys actually were pushed as the top star like Cena or Orton were in the second half of the 2000s.

Then throughout everything, The Undertaker has been around, never losing to anybody and turning into this force that just cannot be beaten. When was the last time he lost clean? To Kurt Angle at that one No Way Out? That's at least what it seems like. He should go undefeated at Wrestlemania, because there's not a single person worthy of ending that streak. Nor will there be in the next couple years. He should just go undefeated and let it be the most special record in the history of Wrestling.

They have nobody left. They broke the cycle with Steve Austin:

Iron Sheik beat Bob Backlund, Hogan Destroyed the Iron Sheik. This ended the Backlund-grappling era and started the showmanship Hogan era. Yokozuna crushed Hogan, Bret Hart beat Yokozuna, then Shawn Michaels beat Bret Hart. This started the high-flying HBK era. Steve Austin beat Shawn Michaels straight up. This started Steve Austin's attitude era, which was the most successful yet. Then... nobody beat Steve Austin. Steve Austin fizzled away. The Rock, my favorite wrestler of all time, tried to salvage the whole thing by putting over Brock Lesnar clean, doing the job Steve Austin wouldn't do. But then Brock Lesnar quit, leaving the WWE with no one. Maybe Steve Austin was right?

So John Cena, Randy Orton and Batista just sort of became the new stars because there was no one else, and HHH was picked to just replace Steve Austin and get them over. That's why no one truly takes them seriously and that's why all of the hardcore fans despise them. They had no right to be there and were just simply picked. They walked in while Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, Chris Benoit, Eddy Guerrero, Kurt Angle, Booker T, and even Shawn Michaels just stood around on the sidelines and accepted flashes at the top.

And now that every possible version of Cena vs. Orton vs. Batista vs. HHH has been done to death, they need new people for Cena and Orton to fight. Enter: Sheamus, Drew McIntyre, The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, etc. Then when we're lucky, we get: CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Evan Bourne, Alberto Del Rio, Wade Barrett.. And when we want flashes of the past, we get: Edge, Kane, Big Show, etc.. But the problem is, none of these people ever get the upper hand on Cena or Orton. And even if they do, it's meaningless, because Cena and Orton are meaningless. If they get the upper hand on HHH, that doesn't mean anything, because HHH never really got the upperhand on anybody. HHH never was really put over the top the same way Austin was, or Hart/Michaels were. HHH got a few wins over Steve Austin but that was about it. Then after that, they became partners. And this was the moment that some would call a nose dive. The best you can say for HHH was when Cactus Jack put him over in that street fight, but again - what did Cactus Jack ever really do?

This is a trap they can't get out of. The only hope is for someone to cleanly, decisively and definitively beat The Undertaker.

But not at Wrestlemania. Which has become the only place where it matters.

Ah sh*t, they're f*cked.



R.I.P. WWE

Cleveland Updates

How do you fix the Cavs? I don't know. Somebody's gotta do something though. Who do they even trade for? There's no one. In the NBA, the values of the Contracts have to match (or be really close) for that current year. So Gerald Wallace makes $10 million this year. We can't trade Jamario Moon and Anthony Parker for Wallace because the amounts don't match. However, we have this thing called a Trade Exception. We've got $14.5 million from the LeBron fiasco which we can just add into any trade. So we could trade Moon ($3 million) and use the other $7 million out of LeBron's Trade Exception and then the numbers match and we could make that trade. But again, who do we try and get? The only answer to this is go the route of the Celtics:

We trade the poo-poo platter to New Orleans and bring in Chris Paul. (KG) We draft an awesome player with (hopefully) our #1 pick. Trade THAT player for somebody who can shoot threes like they're nothing consistently. (Allen) Then hope to God that our second round pick is actually good. (Rondo?) Team those guys up with Mo Williams (Pierce) and hopefully they're on the right track.


The Browns: For the first time since Chris Palmer we have an offensive minded head coach. This season should finally be different. No more "keep the game close" which leads to losses. If they're trying - if they're firing the ball down field, running to the outside, running trick plays..doing ANYTHING other than running the ball up the middle two times then passing for no gain and punting, I'll be happy. This could finally be the end of the Run-Run-Pass-Punt offense.




Dear Jets, Packers, and Bears,

The Prevent Defense does not work against the Steelers. The only way to beat the Steelers is to Blitz them. If I see ANY of you teams blitz Shitberger all game, then STOP on their final drive, I swear I'll destroy somebody. The Steelers are going to beat the Jets by 3 points with a Shitberger game winning drive, then they'll beat the NFC by 3 points (or less) with a Shitberger game winning drive. And on both of the game winning drives, the defense will blitz 3 people on every play. Then Mike Wallace will catch the game winning touchdown and everyone will say how great a QB Ben Roethlisberger is. I can almost guarantee this.

Get ready Browns fans for another Pittsburgh Super Bowl victory.

Holmgren, draft a Receiver, or a Right Tackle. If that's not possible draft a murderous Defensive End. Mangini turned around the Jets. Then Rex Ryan came in there, said "f that" and sent all of Mangini's "quality human beings" over to the Browns to do us a world of good, and he stocked up on criminals, assholes, and whiny pieces of trash. Look at them now. AFC championship two years in a row.

Good things could be ahead for the Browns. Better things are probably ahead for the Steelers. And the Jets. And the Ravens. And Tampa Bay. And Kansas City.

"F it" -the Dude.

NFL Playoffs

So.. Probably everyone in the Cleveland area is dreading the AFC Playoffs. I have to be a dick and say, "Not me." Pittsburgh and Baltimore hate each other as much as I hate both of those teams. They're going to try and kill each other. It will be a fantastic game of football, possibly full of post-game fines. I'm also going to be rooting for a four overtime game where 80% of both teams leave injured.

On the other side, the other team everyone hates because Bill Belichick turned them into contenders. Also, my second favorite team in the league. They're playing against a team that hates them. The Jets and Pats hate each other. They want to destroy each other.

There might not be anything left from any of these teams come the AFC Championship.

Then, over in the NFC we've got The Seahawks (one win into the playoffs, still a losing record. By the way, if they win again, they'll be in the NFC Championship game with a .500 record.) The Packers, The Bears, and The Falcons. I wonder if the Seahawks can beat the Bears?

Browns fans: Atlanta hired a no-name (kinda) coordinator as their head coach a couple years ago too. And I'd like to think Holmgren knows what he's doing. This isn't Randy Lerner's decision anymore.