San Francisco Browns

OK, let's try to figure out what the 49ers did, and how the Cleveland Browns can do EXACTLY THAT to improve. Last year, the 49ers were 6-10. The Browns were 5-11. Very comparable. The 49ers have had over 6 years of QB instability. Very comparable. The 49ers have had a bunch of coaches who at times have showed flashes of possible greatness, but overall sucked. Very comparable.

Let's see what they did:

They got rid of Brian Westbrook, who was just backing up Gore. Troy Smith left. David Carr was cut. Nate Clements was cut. They brought in Donte Whitner and Braylon Edwards. Edwards battled injury and shittiness throughout the season and was cut half way through. They brought back Alex Smith, which was a real head scratcher. This would be like the Browns sticking with Charlie Frye or something. They fired Mike Singletary and hired a new coach.

They had a ton of draft picks, they used them to add ten players. Their first round pick was Rookie of the Month in October and he set a 49ers record for Most Sacks in a Season by a Rookie. Their second pick was a QB, possibly Alex Smith's backup or third string. They got a CB who didn't do much but played in all games. They got Kendal Hunter, backing up Frank Gore. They got a Guard from Appalachian State, he only played in one game. They got Ronald Johnson from USC, but he was released in September. They got a Saftey who did nothing of note. They got a Fullback who started half the games this season. They got a tackle who didn't play. They got a CB who went on IR before the season started.

So, it looks like they clearly didn't do it with the draft. They picked up a good DE with their first pick and then there's not much of note after that. They clearly didn't do it with Free Agency.. They KEPT their shitty QB who now looks great.

What the hell did they do?

They brought in an former NFL QB and offensive minded college coach. That's all they did. There's absolutely nothing else of note.

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The Cleveland Browns, on the other hand.. Do not know who Jim Harbaugh is. We went with the Offensive Coordinator from a 7-9 team to be our Head Coach. We brought him in mainly because of his experience with a young QB.

Jim Harbaugh didn't have enough experience coaching young QBs.

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If you didn't think that last joke was funny, Jim Harbaugh was an NFL QB for a long time, and he coached Andrew Luck, the QB projected to be the most NFL-ready QB in history.

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Lerner should sell the team to Los Angeles. Someone else can try again here in four years. As usual, I give up. There is probably no hope for this team and I just don't get why. But I want them to stick with this idiot for a while, because consistency is probably important to a coaching staff (unless you're the 2011-12 49ers, or the 2011-12 Eagles). I just don't get it, how one organization can be so consistently bad and it just never changes. We still fumble snaps, handoffs, make stupid decisions during the 2 minute offense. Draft QBs who can't see the field, WRs who can't get open..

Honestly, the moment this franchise went wrong? When that f'ing idiot Butch Davis let all those players go in the 2003 off season. Had we brought all those idiot-savant players back from our one playoff year, with Kelly Holcomb as the starter, how different would things be? We should've traded Couch right there on the spot, went with Holcomb, and brought back all five of those WRs, William Green, Terrell Smith, Chris Gardocki, and everyone else we let go that Off-Season. You know how many times Jim Donovan would be yelling "Run William Run!" We never would've had the Jeff Garcia fiasco, we wouldn't have wasted a draft pick on Charlie Frye.. Maybe Brady Quinn is brought in to be his backup haha, and we don't have to trade a first round pick to get him. You could easily re-write an entire history based on that particular off-season.

Hindsight and all, obviously. But imagine if after the 2005 season ended, we offered Drew Brees a monster contract to come up here? You KNOW that someone said to Phil Savage: "Hey, why don't we make Drew Brees an offer?" and Phil Savage said: "We're set with Charlie Frye, Ken Dorsey and Derek Anderson. We'll be alright." Phil Savage is a fucking idiot. A Fucking Idiot.

I digress. Anyways, yeah I don't know what the hell they do. Maybe with a true off-season they'll go 8-8 next year. And then 10-6 next next year under Shurmur, who knows. But man, it does NOT look promising....

Browns Playbook

Which two of the following three scenarios best represents the 2011 Cleveland Browns?



Scenario #1:
McCoy and Cribbs line up next to each other in the shotgun. Ogbanaya lines up in the slot.
Houston tries to read the play.
Is it a QB run?
Is it a HB run?
Is it a direct snap to Cribbs?
Is it a HB pass to Ogbanaya?
Is it a HB or QB draw?
Fuck, Greg Little just went in motion into the backfield...What the hell?
McCoy, TD Pass to Norwood.


Scenario #2:
McCoy lines up in the I-Formation.
Houston doesn't need to read the play.
Gets sacked.


Scenario #3:
McCoy lines up in the i-Formation.
Houston doesn't need to read the play.
Ogbanyaya up the middle for 1 yard.

Cleveland Updates

How do you fix the Cavs? I don't know. Somebody's gotta do something though. Who do they even trade for? There's no one. In the NBA, the values of the Contracts have to match (or be really close) for that current year. So Gerald Wallace makes $10 million this year. We can't trade Jamario Moon and Anthony Parker for Wallace because the amounts don't match. However, we have this thing called a Trade Exception. We've got $14.5 million from the LeBron fiasco which we can just add into any trade. So we could trade Moon ($3 million) and use the other $7 million out of LeBron's Trade Exception and then the numbers match and we could make that trade. But again, who do we try and get? The only answer to this is go the route of the Celtics:

We trade the poo-poo platter to New Orleans and bring in Chris Paul. (KG) We draft an awesome player with (hopefully) our #1 pick. Trade THAT player for somebody who can shoot threes like they're nothing consistently. (Allen) Then hope to God that our second round pick is actually good. (Rondo?) Team those guys up with Mo Williams (Pierce) and hopefully they're on the right track.


The Browns: For the first time since Chris Palmer we have an offensive minded head coach. This season should finally be different. No more "keep the game close" which leads to losses. If they're trying - if they're firing the ball down field, running to the outside, running trick plays..doing ANYTHING other than running the ball up the middle two times then passing for no gain and punting, I'll be happy. This could finally be the end of the Run-Run-Pass-Punt offense.




Dear Jets, Packers, and Bears,

The Prevent Defense does not work against the Steelers. The only way to beat the Steelers is to Blitz them. If I see ANY of you teams blitz Shitberger all game, then STOP on their final drive, I swear I'll destroy somebody. The Steelers are going to beat the Jets by 3 points with a Shitberger game winning drive, then they'll beat the NFC by 3 points (or less) with a Shitberger game winning drive. And on both of the game winning drives, the defense will blitz 3 people on every play. Then Mike Wallace will catch the game winning touchdown and everyone will say how great a QB Ben Roethlisberger is. I can almost guarantee this.

Get ready Browns fans for another Pittsburgh Super Bowl victory.

Holmgren, draft a Receiver, or a Right Tackle. If that's not possible draft a murderous Defensive End. Mangini turned around the Jets. Then Rex Ryan came in there, said "f that" and sent all of Mangini's "quality human beings" over to the Browns to do us a world of good, and he stocked up on criminals, assholes, and whiny pieces of trash. Look at them now. AFC championship two years in a row.

Good things could be ahead for the Browns. Better things are probably ahead for the Steelers. And the Jets. And the Ravens. And Tampa Bay. And Kansas City.

"F it" -the Dude.

Ben Roethlisberger

Ben Roethlisberger is a rapist and a black eye on the NFL. What he did is worse than taking PEDs. He raped some drunk girl in a bathroom while his bodyguards watched the door. That's worse than steroids. Now is it possible this girl was into it until she realized what was going on? Yes. Is it possible this girl was some drunk whore at the bar who throws herself at guys weekly? Yes.

Ok, now having this said, he shouldn't be suspended. He's a piece of garbage and a crappy person, but he shouldn't have his job taken away as a result. If you get in a fight at a bar (or rape someone) should you lose your job and have to find a new one? Or get suspended? No. So why is the NFL different? Because it's a very, very public image. He still shouldn't be suspended.

Here's what I propose. Each week, whoever is commentating the Steelers game, should have to remind the audience that Roethlisberger had sex with a woman in a bar restroom, and that rape is bad. No suspension, instead, for the rest of the season, the commentators refer to him as Ben Roethlisberger, accused of rape.

Example:

Cris Collinsworth: "Ben Roethlisberger, accused of rape, throws for Santon...Hines Ward, Incomplete. Maybe Roethlisberger should've worked more on his accuracy instead of raping a woman in a bar restroom."
Al Michaels: "Let me remind everyone that rape is a terrible thing and you people out there should learn from this meathead not to hold a woman down against her will, no matter what the scenario may be."

OR

Joe Buck: "Roethlisberger, rapist, throws... incomplete."

OR

Gus Johnson: "Roethlisberger, rapist, under pressure. He gets away! To THROWWWWAHAHHHHH, PICKED OFF!!!! Eric Wright, DOWN THE SIDELINE, Roethlisberger, headed for the girl in the front row. Roethisberger has his HAND ON HER BOOB! HE'S RAPING HER!! LIVE!!! HAAH HAAAAAAH!!!! ROETHLISBERGER!! PENALTY ON THE FIELD!!! ILLEGAL USE OF THE HANDS!! WHAT A GAME!!!"

Draft and Roethlisberger

So latest rumors are that the Browns will trade their pick to some team NOT in the top 10, who wants Ben Rapistberger.


..

Who could possibly want Ben Rapistberger?

The Eagles have Vick and Kolb.. Maybe. Who do they give up? DeSean Jackson? A Shitload of picks?

The Raiders are already in the Top 10, but Al Davis has done dumber things. Maybe. Who do they give up? Kamerion Wimbley? Richard Seymour? A bunch of picks?

The Vikings? After Favre they'll be left with Tavarious Jackson. Maybe? Who do they give up? Berrian? Percy Harvin? Sidney Rice? A Williams? Who would be worth that 7th pick, and why on Earth would they get rid of that player to have Ben Roethlisberger?

The Cardinals? They've got DA and Leinart.. If there's a surprise trade it would be this. But what would the Cardinals give up? Their first round pick and what else for our 7th overall pick? Beanie Wells? Steve Breaston? Adrian Wilson? Maybe half of their 2010 Draft picks?


Who would want Roethlisberger? I'm going to make a point I've been making for about three years now: Roethlisberger Sucks. He's a terrible QB. He scrambles around like a retard, then throws up a ball. He has good enough receivers that one of them can usually intercept it. Watch half of his throws: in the dirt or to Mike Tomlin. Ben is slightly better than Derek Anderson.

His famous goal line play to Santonio Holmes last year? That was a pass to a WIDE OPEN Heath Miller in the corner of the end zone. Roethlisberger threw such a shitty pass to Miller that Holmes was able to grab it at the goal line. And if Roethlisberger really DID throw it to Holmes, then he's AN IDIOT for not throwing it to a WIDE OPEN HEATH MILLER!!

Watch how Roethlisberger's receivers have to twist and contort their bodies to catch his passes. Watch how Roethlisberger has no clue what to do in the pocket when there's pressure. He's like the bigger Charlie Frye.

(Also note that the reason Pittsburgh Receivers are always wide open is because Hines Ward did one of the following: Illegal Pick, Holding beyond Five Yards, Offensive Pass Interference, Holding, or Clipping. Why do you think that F*cker is always smiling after each play?)

What team on Earth would be dumb enough to give up ANYTHING for Roethlisberger?